What People In Clubs Say To DJs And What They Really Mean

(Note: Not all people in clubs are like this. It just feels like it sometimes...)

It's really good!: It'll clear the club

Loads of people will dance!: Me and my mate Kev, if you're lucky.

There's a whole crowd of us!: I brought my dog.

It's only one song!: That the other 399 people will really hate.

Play some [insert obscure band]: Play an 11-minute undanceable soundscape with no lyrics that no-one else has ever heard of so I can show how cool my music taste is.

They're drunk enough to dance to anything!: Except what I'm about to request.

Great night!: You'll never see me again.

That was crap!: So I'll be back every week to moan about it.

Stop playing this [insert wrong genre] crap: I don't know what you're playing but it's not any of the three songs I actually like.

Play something decent!: I've no idea what I actually want to hear but I thought I'd come up and irritate you anyway.

Play something heavy!: I want to batter some people senseless on the dancefloor. It'll make me feel better.

Why won't you play it then?: Go on, explain it to me for the third time, but this time in monosyllables.

Have you got [really obscure band]: Bet you haven't got it!

Will you play [really obscure band]: Bet you won't play it!

I'll dance to it!: I'll wander sheepishly round the edge of the dancefloor for a while, realise no-one else is dancing then bugger off. But I'll be back later on to request something else woefully obscure...

You always play the same stuff! Why don't you play what you used to play?: Nurse! The logic circuits!

Musical Definitions

1. To Gurn, musically: To make a sound reminiscent of gurning. You just know that the lead singer, when striving for that tortured angst-filled note, is going to be pulling a face like he's straining to shit a cannonball. The Annual North Yorkshire Gurning Contest would be a walkover were it not the wrong side of the Atlantic.

2. To Hurgh: It sounds like it's written. Forget vocals, just make a sound like you're vomiting concrete.

(then put on some comedy masks and sell x million records to the under 14s)

3. Vedderisation: A sinister process that lead singers in American bands are put through in order to sell truckloads of records. Previously able to sing perfectly normally, by the end of this process they gurn like a constipated turkey. Curiously, Americans seem powerless to resist this form of "singing" and are mystically compelled to buy this stuff by the million, despite the fact that it all sounds exactly the same. See: Nickelback, Creed, The Calling, any American A&R man's checklist.